Stag Do Drinks feature. The Good, The Bad & The Fugly.

Best Man Beacon featured in a Stag Do drinks guide.
Here at Best Man Beacon we are experts when it comes to Stag Dos and recently we were asked to share our knowledge in an article about Stag do drinks: the best and the worst, which recently was published on stag do organisers PissUp.com’s website.
Our very own Baz Price was quoted in the piece saying, “Alcohol is not the ‘be all and end all’ for a successful do. As long as you have a laugh and you cater for the Groom and the majority’s tastes then you’re cooking on gas. What alcohol does bring to the table is a vehicle for lowering inhibitions which can bond a group tighter than a Nun’s Nasty.”
The guide looked at the best and worst drinks you can try on a stag party. Making up the best drinks list were Pilsner Urquell, Staropramen, Amstel, Dreher, Guinness, and Vodka and Lemonade.
In terms of the worst drinks you can try, the guide included some really nasty concoctions such as a drink called the Chocolate Spider. This drink contains 10 shots and a Mars Bar that the person downing it has to eat.
Other drinks to avoid, according to the piece, included The Smoker’s Cough, The Bath Cure, Motor Oil, Prairie Oyster and Bourbon Treat. These are all real drinks as well!

‘The Wedding Guy-Way Code’ publishing pitch.

Here’s my pitch for a potential publishing project called ‘The Wedding Guy-Way Code’. Cheers.

A synopsis detailing the purpose, scope and intention of the project; Chapter breakdown showing the proposed structure of the book; Consumer profile defining the target market;
Some sample text to show writing and presentation style;
your qualifications and credentials for writing the book;

Synopsis.
The premise of The Wedding Guy-Way Code is to make one of life’s potentially most stressful experiences a lot more manageable and enjoyable.
Why buy a copy of The Wedding Guy-Way Code? Because every aspect of the Groom, Best Man, Usher and Father of the Bride’s responsibilities are presented in a bite sized format. One of the most dreaded responsibilities for the guys involved in a Wedding is the speech. We cover everything from overcoming nerves, breaking down the structure of speeches so that you can personalise them and also have Groom, Best man and Father of the Bride speech plans.
What qualifies me to pipe up and offer wedding advice? I have been fortunate to have been a Best Man on four occasions, an Usher several times, a Master of Ceremonies and have written more speeches and tutored more Best Men, Groom’s, Ushers and Bridesmaids than you can shake a flute of Prosecco at.
We will also delve into the potentially mucky and murky world of the Stag Do…. We cover such subjects as To Lap-Dance or not to Lap-Dance?! How to handle loose-cannons; Keeping the Bride to-be sweet and the ‘Must Dos and Do nots’.
You may think that this armours any guy for any potential nuptial trapdoors on the Wedding journey ahead. Well my friend you may well be mistaken as we also cover three Survival Guides. Number 1 ‘Bridezilla’. Number 2 ‘The Mother in-law’ and Number 3 ‘The Wedding Fayre’. Just for good measure we give you a leg-up in the wedding night leg-over stakes so that you consummate your wedding like a champ and also talk about handling Cold Feet if you’re struggling to keep your balance on the marital plank.
If you Google ‘Weddings’ you will quickly realise that 99% of sites you find are specifically geared at the Bride to-be and us guys are expected to turn up, be as chilled as a Jamaican Yogi and pull off a legendary speech. The Wedding Guy-Way Code is here to be your Fool Proof Guide on all that is the wedding. We will be your shining beacon on the night shores of a stormy squall. Good luck and just remember ‘When in Rome…’

Premise.
The premise of this book is best summed up by one of my favourite actors, the late, great Mr Chris Farley from the film ‘Tommy Boy’. “You can get a great view of a T-Bone by sticking your head up a bull’s ass but I’d rather take the Butcher’s word for it.” In other words I’ll be your Butcher. You can ask lots of people, aimlessly search the internet for jokes and toasts or hunt on YouTube for hours of Best Man speeches or you can save yourself a lot of time and have a gander at the pages ahead. Here you can get everything you need to know about organising a Stag Do, a break down on Best Man responsibilities and advice on composing a Best Man, Groom and Father of the Bride speech.
If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve been asked to be a Best Man. This is either exciting for you or filling you full of dread. The way I look at it, it’s like being asked to ride at a Rodeo. You ride her until she bucks you or you don’t ride her at all. Just remember if you feel it’s too overwhelming you’ve always got the Ushers (Rodeo Clowns) to help you out. I hope my advice will be a beacon for you to achieve some sense in the wilderness that is the chaotic pressured world of being a Groom, Best Man, Usher and Father of the Bride. More so, if you learn from my successes and cock-ups you will pull off all expectations in your stride with the strut of a young Travolta.
I am going to share all the pearls of wisdom I have learned through trial and error over the years. It’s a total honour to be asked to be the ‘Glue’ for the biggest day of a people’s lives. A day which they and their families will remember for the rest of their lives. No worries then… I’m going to share advice to ease the pressure so that you can be confident in knowing that all bases are covered whatever your responsibilities.

Chapter Breakdown
Introduction – As above in the Synopsis and Premise.

The Stag Do – We look at every aspect of organizing, planning and pulling off a successful home and away Stag Do.
Tackling Speech Nerves and Preparation – We break down and offer bite size advice on relaxation and preparation.

Planning your Best Man and Groom Speech – I use my experience of speeches as well as the advice I have given to dozens of Best Men and Grooms I have tutored. Including a specific, traditional itemized plan to ensure all bases are covered.
The Role of the MC – Step By Step guide on how to successfully fulfill the role of the wedding Master of Ceremonies.

Managing the Wedding Day – A Wedding Day timeline focusing on your expectations as a Best Man and Groom, including pieces of advice to keep the day stress-free and manageable.

The Role of the Groomsmen – ‘The Usher’s Parable’ is a comical look at how to be a successful Groomsman and how to avoid common blips and disasters.

Popular School Boy Errors (Getting Married Abroad and a Vegas Wedding.) – An insight into classic faux pas for the Groom and Best Man including pre-nuptial disasters, Spray Tanning mishaps, Pros and Cons of overseas Weddings and a glimpse at the highs and lows of a Las Vegas Wedding.

Potential Potholes in the Road (Bridezilla, Mother in Law and the Wedding Fayre) – A comprehensive Survival Guide for a Bunny Boiling Bride, a loco Mother-In-Law and the dreaded Wedding Fayre.
Consummation – A leg up on getting your leg over. Practical pointers on being a legend on your Wedding night.

Mr Cold Feet – Advice on attaining a calm and relaxed emotional state if any potential doubts sneak in.
Final Thoughts

Consumer profile defining the target market

Since we set up my Best Man Tips website bestmanbeacon.com in October 2014 I can confidently say that there is a niche in the Wedding industry for men. We have uploaded 36 Blogs since we began culminating in nearly 4,000 visitors and over 6,000 views. I have written and tutored approximately 20 Best Men, Grooms, Father of the Brides and Bridesmaids over this time. I have also been approached by Wedding Venues, Wedding photographers, members of the Fitness industry and Stag Companies to facilitate Guest Blogs.
The vast majority of social media, magazines and society are blatantly geared towards the ladies. Therefore guys have to rely on word of mouth or searching the internet to find the advice and information they need to fulfil their wedding responsibilities. We offer a handy short-cut for guys and allow them to access all they need to know all in one place. A ‘One Stop Shop’ if you like.
We have always focused on sharing all the relevant information a man requires for his wedding duties from a comical perspective delivering a balance between practical advice and quirky humour.
Our target market are Grooms, Best Men, Groomsmen/Ushers and Fathers of the Bride. As it’s a manual, it’s an ideal purchase as a gift from partners who want to help their other halves to prepare for upcoming wedding responsibilities too.
The role of the Best Man is intrinsic to a successful, stress free Wedding Day (Wedding build up). We offer advice on the whole journey from the Stag Do, the Wedding day responsibilities, all the way past the speech and beyond.
Any information you can supply on other books in the same area and how yours is different or better
We have had 6,120 views of our blogs on bestmanbeacon.com to date and have been approached by Stag Do and Wedding Venue guest bloggers who have all shared that it’s difficult for men to be included and float in an industry saturated in favour of the ladies. I have attended Wedding Fayres in a speech writing service capacity, ran workshops at wedding Fayres and it’s glaringly obvious that wedding services are almost completely geared towards the Bride. The feedback I have experienced is that we offer something completely unique within the industry.
Therefore I think ‘The Wedding Guy-Way Code’ can be a comical manual for guys to have a niche voice in a one sided market. I have seen a variety of Best Man Speech books which are fairly dry and helpful for the speech. I haven’t seen anything as entertaining and comprehensive as our book. I think it’s a unique statement that can stand out among the Wedding book market. It’s fun, different and extremely useful.
Some sample text to show writing and presentation style

‘NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF INVENTION’ when it comes to HANDLING PRE-SPEECH NERVES. Here’s HOW TO BE AS COOL AS THE PROVERBIAL CUCUMBER AND NOT SHUDDER LIKE A DEFECATING POOCH.

The immense crippling nerves that are commonly associated with public speaking and Best Man speeches in particular are one of life’s conundrums. Such as, why is the ‘Letter S’ in the word ‘Lisp’? Why is the word ‘Dyslexic’ a high scoring Scrabble word? Why does Coke taste better out of a glass bottle than out of a can? Why does a dog feel confident to attack a moving car yet if a vacuum cleaner is turned on near them they freak out more than a wine connoisseur finding out a novice wine taster is chewing bubble-gum? It’s more annoying than the incorrect overuse of the word ‘literally’ or the incorrect use of the word ‘pacific’ instead of ‘specific’. Without being pacific this literally drives me nuts. Some things in this universe are just too loco to comprehend and the list is longer than an MP’s expense claim form.

Don’t let the speech become the Elephant in the room. The best way at combating ‘Best Man speech’ nerves is to approach it like this; ‘If you always prepare in the same way you’ve always prepared then you will always achieve what you’ve always achieved.’ Therefore if you have a negative experience in memory then approach this speech differently and treat it as a positive opportunity and not like an Albatross around your neck.
If you have crippling nerves regarding the speech then I suggest stripping everything down and approaching this opportunity differently. If you’ve suffered from nerves on a similar occasion previously then try to remember your body’s symptoms at the peak of the nerves. Common symptoms are erratic breathing, an increase in heart rate, sweating and the desire drop anchor in Pooh Bay. How you feel? (anxious, scared, trapped, isolated) and what you think? (I’m going to have a mare; I’m going to be a laughing stock; everyone knows I’m petrified) both marry up together as a negative behaviour (Common bodily symptoms above). Nerves will be a thing of the past if you feel (excited, confident, relaxed) and think (What’s the worst that could happen?! I’m not going to die up here. I’m prepared. I’ll do it like I practiced. It’s going to be a laugh and a chance to wind my mate up) then you will behave in a more confident, positive way and you will be in control.
An option which always chills me out is Yoga. I’m not suggesting for a second that you buy some incense, hug the nearest Oak Tree and start wearing linen trousers. Yoga classes focus on breathing, relaxing and focusing your mind. Once you get used to the old downward facing hound you will find ways of focusing your breathing and heart rate so that you can overcome stressful situations. When you’ve overcome the misconception that Yoga classes are full of hippies and flatulent OAPs consider these two words. Yoga Pants… The whole point is to approach the whole ’Best Man experience’ differently and in a positive way which works for you as an individual.
In bygone Best Man speeches I have witnessed, seemingly confident people fall apart at the microphone faster than a counterfeit Optimus Prime. One Best Man forgot to number his speech cards; he managed to drop them and cocked up his card order. He cracked on in a flustered, chaotic manner for 10 seconds or so and then had to sit down and the Groom tentatively had a crack at the title. It’s the closest thing to human Jenga that I’ve ever seen, the poor guy just crumbled and collapsed before our very eyes.
Another Best Man took Dutch courage to a whole new level. He drank so much he even sounded Dutch “I’d like you to all be upshtanding for a toasht.” With a few ‘F – Bombs’ thrown in willy-nilly I can safely say that he was as much use as a glove on a foot. I always have a hip flask on go on the Wedding day with my usual tipple of Mr Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum or Mrs Disaronno (other tipples are available). That way the Groom and I can have a cheeky swill to take the edge off if required. I find that a half a dozen slugs of Lucifer’s fiery sauce will suffice. If this is favourable to you then remember to pace yourself, particularly if the speeches are after the food. It can be a long shift so take it steady and don’t peak too “Shoon”.

‘BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL’ PAY ATTENTION TO BEST MAN SPEECH PREPARATION.

Before you tackle the components of a Best Man speech such as clarity, pronunciation, volume/projection, timing, topics and natural flow it’s wise to prepare as best as possible. Not everyone is comfortable with public speaking and this can breed negativity if you allow it to. From the world of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy this frame of mind is best described as a ‘NAT’. A ‘Negative Automatic Thought’ (Aaron T Beck). It’s the negative contemplation that your Best Man speech is undoubtedly going to be an utter and total shower of scheize. It’s the whole ‘Glass Half Full’ philosophy which you need to adopt. I attended a Solution Focused Brief Therapy seminar several years ago and as a result of that one day I deleted the word ‘But’ from my vocabulary. ‘But’ implies possible doubt and is ambiguous. For example if you say “I’m going to try my best with the speech but if it goes wrong I’m going to look like a penis and ruin the day.” As long as you plan and prepare the Best Man speech in ample time and follow the advice I give then you will be a success. After all, what’s the worst that can happen? You’re not going to die up there and the vast majority of guests will be rooting for you to do well. If you cover all the bases I’m about to share then you will be successful. Hakuna matata.
By nature I tend to mumble like a drunk octogenarian who’s awoken abruptly for the Queen’s speech when I talk and can speak very quickly when I’m excited to share something; particularly concerning naughtiness. All I do, is consciously slow my pace down and pronounce each word clearly. On the run up to the speech I record a practice run and watch it back to assess if there’s any areas I need to improve upon.
The 5 basic breakdown points of a Best Man speech are as follows :-
Compliments.
Thanks.
Share how and when they met. Include funny memories of them together.
Share stories of Groom’s Childhood, Teenage years and adult life.
Toast the new couple.
It’s best to approach this plan with the ‘SMART’ principle.
S – pecific
M –  easurable
A – chievable
R – ealistic
T – ime related
Specific
When complimenting during your speech, focus on how amazing the Bride and Bridesmaids look today (You may have to use a little artistic license at this point sometimes) Remember to congratulate the Flower Girls and Page Boys on a fantastic job if any are involved. This is an ideal time to perhaps read out any Wedding Cards from relatives who couldn’t make it or raise a toast to absent friends or family. Run this past the Bride and Groom so that you have the accurate information.
In terms of sharing how and when they met it’s best to use specific occasions and milestones to give a little extra sincerity and meaning. Include funny anecdotes of them together. Focussing how they met and ‘fell in love’ is a great jumping off point. Share memorable (ideally funny) stories of the Groom’s childhood, teenage years and adult life.
Measureable
I would initiate measuring from two angles. Firstly look at the overall timescale from being asked to be Best Man and the Wedding day. Trust me if you do an Ostrich and bury your head in the sand you are just turning the heat up on the pressure cooker. Be proactive and have the ‘5 Basic Breakdown Points’ written down as soon as you can. Then use the SMART principles and Bob’s your uncle and Fanny’s your aunt.
Secondly I have found that around 10 minutes is ample time to cover the ‘5 Basic Breakdown Points’ in your speech.
Achievable
If this amount of time seems like an eternity then I would encourage you to tap up other members of the Wedding party to ease the pressure. Some examples are allowing the Groom to say a few thank yous; perhaps the Chief Bridesmaid/sister would like to say a few words or read a poem or one of the Ushers may have a story they would like to share (They could speak themselves or write it down for you to relay). As long as you’ve covered the 5 areas then it’s a job well done.
Realistic
Just because you’ve seen another Best Man speech with an elaborate dance routine or show tune number it doesn’t mean you have to compete. If you fancy a ‘Crack at the Title’ then all you have to consider is the preparation time and the skills required. If you can implement a musical number, a slide-show or something that goes above and beyond then I recommend that at points 3) or 4) are your times to shine. Sandwiched by Thank yous, compliments and the concluding Toast.
Timescale
This underpins your whole planning stage from being asked to be Best Man to the Wedding Breakfast. You can view the time you have in the know as time to worry or time to plan. See ‘7 Ps’; ‘5 Basic Breakdown points’; ‘SMART Principles’ and most importantly think positively. When I have the meat to the bones of my plan I tend to record myself on my phone video recorder a week or so prior to the big day to see if I have open and relaxed body language. If possible look up from your notes occasionally and look toward the Bride and Groom to give a personal touch. Above all the most important elements to your speech after you have settled on the contents is the ‘Volume’ and the ‘Clarity’.
THE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO CONSUMMATING YOUR MARRIAGE

Consummating your nuptials to confirm to the ‘Big Man’ that you’re really, really, super, seriously committed.
Consummation is defined as ‘the action of making a marriage or relationship complete by having sexual intercourse.’ One thing that the internet has taught me apart from Charlie is a Cannibal, a Panda is petrified of it’s own sneeze and that two freaky ladies should not be left alone with one cup is that apparently only 48% of married couples consummate their marriage on their wedding night. Say what??
It’s kind of like a holy metaphorical ména trois having Mr Omnipotent guy on his cloud tutting until you seal the deal. Ironically this notion taken literally would probably make you Mr Impotent. I can imagine that as a Groom when you’re going at it like Billy-o there’s nothing like an old bearded guy in a robe to really turn you on for the first time you’re making sweet, sweet, love to your angelic, untouched, gorgeous wife. It’s also likely to be the first and last time that you are contractually obligated to honour an agreement by having sex with someone.
Going balls deep.
I have known many a Groom who have gone ‘balls deep’ with the alcohol on their Wedding day. There are many reasons for this. Perhaps they suck back on the old sauce bottle to counteract crippling nerves of making a speech; to numb the pain of listening to the Best Man’s character assassination of him; posing for countless snaps in cheesy un-natural positions; the fear of soberly cutting some shapes in front of everyone for the first dance; a feeling of impending doom of never, ever, ever docking in far away bays on the ‘Isle of Clitorati’ ever again; it’s a rare happy occasion to share celebrations with loved ones; free drinks are trickier to avoid than Candy Crush requests or perhaps the Groom simply gets swept away with the unique, awesome experience.
I can all too easily recall a Wedding where the Groom had made a boo-boo in the tailoring department regarding his trousers. I lost count of how many times he hoiked his trousers up throughout the day. By the evening he was more oiled than the Tin Man, he lost his patience while standing at the bar and he dropped trou where he stood. As the Best Man that day I went above and beyond and legged it across the dance floor and pulled his trousers back up. Thankfully this was pre facebook and Intagram days so any embarrassing Belfies were avoided. Suffice to say this excitable farmer did not plough any meadows on his wedding night.

Textbook Groom decorum
Arguably a ‘Perfect Groom’ would be sober, happy, dapper, capable of striking a ‘Blue Steel’ Duck Pout at the drop of a Top Hat, able to bust out moves like Jagger and able to consummate the marriage with all the gusto of a burly Alaskan Lumberjack splitting some seasoned kindling.
Carrying the Bride over the threshold
In these modern fast food, fast living times obesity levels have never been so high. If your beautiful Bride is on the pleasantly plump side and you’re as sturdy as a wet flannel then perhaps a little role reversal could champion the feminist ways and introduce some equality to proceedings. Perhaps the Bride could carry the Groom through the front door-way instead. Either way nobody likes a slipped disc so don’t be a hero. Play to your strengths. God speed.
Brewer’s droop
The ‘Brewers Droop’ occurs when the gent has consumed too much alcohol resulting in a flaccid mini-gent, detrimental to the required consummation. The best and least romantic description I’ve heard of the wedding night’s ‘Beast with two backs’ antics was from a Groom who termed it as “It was like trying to thread a cooked piece of Spaghetti through a key hole.” Apparently he technically consummated his nuptials by subtly and tactfully using a ‘handy’ prop as scaffolding. Where there’s a willy there’s a way some might say. Thumbs up to that innovator.

In a nut shell
If you put a legendary shift in on your Wedding night then for the rest of your marital days whenever you are feeling amorous and trying to negotiate a cheeky roll in the hay you can always softly drop into conversation, “Hey, remember our wedding night?” Alternatively if you’re passed out like a drunk hobo then your missus will never, ever let you forget it and resentment has probably already set in. According to the fallen few, loving tends to diminish post Wedding day and can be as dry as a Sahara Desert Camel Farmer’s sandal; so make hay while the sun shines fellas.
Living the Las Vegas dream…

As to Alan’s historical conundrum “Did Caesar actually live here?” The search for truth continues.
This is my account of my Best Man experience number three for my legend of a cousin. Viva Las Vegas, you are a monumental slice of incredible.
Ta-ta Wales, hola U, S of A. Every one of my senses were titillated to the max by Planet Vegas. We landed around 9pm Nevada time, dropped our luggage off at the ‘Vdara’ and ‘The Wynne’ respectively and within half an hour I was attacking a ‘Half a Yard’ of beer at Planet Hollywood like a new-born to a breast.

Everywhere I looked, everything I heard, tasted and touched was a little slice of “Wa-wa-weewa”. Just incredibly barmy and magnificent. I hit the ground scampering like a toddler at a Petting Zoo. Everything is so absurdly over the top that my little brain couldn’t keep up. Just to add an extra banana skin to the weak minded and easily influenced gentleman there are no clocks anywhere. Everything is bright 24/7 and I swear they must pump oxygen in as alertness levels were Meerkat-esque. The Cocktail Waitresses were hotter than a leather convertible car seat on a mid-summer’s afternoon, you are plied with free drinks as long as you are gambling and the question “Would you like a drink Sir?” to which I replied “You bet.” Grew thin on several Cocktail waitresses throughout my week. Oh well, when in Rome.
I spent three days livin la vida loca until the Wednesday lunch time when I crashed ‘Mr Magoo’ style half way through my Club Sandwich. My body’s internal switch was turned off faster than a male lover being called their father’s name among the throes of passion. After an extended trip to the ‘Land of Nod’ in my King Sized bed in my bedroom which had a glass wall overlooking part of The Strip. I was ready to attach the wheels back on to the wagon and have another bite at the Vegas cherry, just in time for the Wedding preparation.
The Stag Do consisted of a cheeky visit to Mandalay Bay to watch an Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) event. Not too shabby I might add. An electric atmosphere, gifted sports people and pints of Rum made for a ruddy ace experience. The ladies ventured to a Cirque De Soleil tumbling spectacular for their Hen Do which they loved too.

The wedding took place on the Friday in the Wynne’s wedding chapel. The atmosphere and environment were opulent and classy. The hotel wedding crew were so professional, stress free and tailored the day to the couple’s requests. The morning of the wedding was arguably the most chilled out Wedding day preparation I’ve ever experienced. It was Makeover o’clock for the ladies while the Groom and I had a few steady tipples and played a little Roulette. The wedding was uploaded live on the tinternet so that the family could all watch it back home in the UK and my duties consisted of the basic formalities of looking after the wedding rings and making a congratulatory toast post wedding breakfast. Simples.

The only negative experience I had was that I got hit on a number of times each and every night by women who am not ashamed to say were solid 9’s compared to my ‘6 on a good hair day’. “Poor old you.” I hear you say. The conversations usually took the path of “I love your British accent” “Wow you must look after yourself” “Are you going to buy me a drink” to “So, I’m $300 for the first hour then $250 dollars for each additional hour”. They were ‘Ladies of the Night’ (or Ladies of the day, it was hard to know without a clock) If you don’t weigh in, you don’t Wrestle. I had no intentions of weighing in and my self-esteem was lowered no end. On numerous occasions I was nearly caught in a trap and by the end of the week I couldn’t tell if I was coming or going when talking to women. Were they ‘Painted Ladies’ or just tipsy hot women who were lowering their standards a tad? Eenie meenie miney ‘Pro’… One thing’s for sure, I had a suspicious mind with each and every conversation.

“You’re only supposed to blow the bloody wedding shoot.” Mr Caine offered his congratulation during the Wedding photos, no big deal. Top bloke.
In a nutshell
Planet Las Vegas is amazing. It comes at a pretty penny and if you’re not a drinker, gambler or appreciator of beautiful people then shy away from the idea. It’s Stag heaven. There is nothing you can’t do. The rule-book has been thrown out. In fact I would go a step further and say the rule-book has been buried in an unmarked shallow grave in the Mojave Desert somewhere. The Wedding Day experience was finely tuned, stress free and stunning. ‘Viva Las Vegas’.
Traditional Church Weddings versus eloping to an overseas paradise
This debate is as contentious as what’s best? ‘Radiator Undies’ in the winter months or getting a cwtch from your mum after you’ve fallen off of your BMX in your primary years? Let the deliberation commence.
Argument ‘for’ tying the knot off into the wide blue yonder
I’ve been a lucky sausage and attended a hat-trick of overseas weddings. I’ve toasted to the happy couples in Brisbane, Jamaica and Las Vegas. Being a Welsh man, the sun is as likely to be seen in the sky as much as a vegetarian is likely to be seen in an abattoir. Therefore a Wedding in more tropical climates than in Abercwm-nosun is a guaranteed people pleaser. “The sun isn’t everything” I hear you old fashioned partisan traditionalists say. Well, when you have a Mojito in one hand, you’re perched on a seat in a pool up to your waist at a ‘swim up pool side bar’ and scantily clad beauties are frolicking around you then I beg to differ. Jamaica’n me nostalgic mon…
Another winner is that a wedding abroad in my experience has been as relaxed as a melted Choc Ice. Particularly in Jamaica. Our airport transfer bus driver on arrival was more laid back than a broken deck-chair. He was the most chilled out man I’ve ever encountered. It was fair to say he hadn’t ‘shot the Sheriff’, however he had most definitely blazed up a ‘Fatty’ while driving the bus. A cliff top wedding overlooking the crystal blue waters of the Caribbean was one of the most stunning weddings I have ever experienced. Yea mon.

One hour til the nuptials.
If I could personify the Oz wedding as a Sheila, it ‘banged like a dunny door’. It was epic. Once again I experienced an outdoor Wedding, this time overlooking a pristine golf course near Brisbane. The traditional free bar was a humdinger and with my pastey complexion I stood out like a Bull Dog’s balls. As soon as the locals realised I wasn’t a ‘Pom’ they gave me a fair suck at the sauce bottle and many a bond were formed. This provided its own uniqueness. Another benefit of a Wedding in foreign climbs is that you can explore new and amazing sights. Home based Weddings, as beautiful as they can be, can often blur into one another. A Wedding abroad most certainly will not be forgotten.

Drinking it in.
Arguments ‘against’ flying the coop and keeping it gangsta in the hood
If you’re like me and you’re ideal temperature is 20 degrees Celsius, then being dolled up in your Penguin Suit while hotter than a mid-summer terracotta Otter in 30 plus degree heat isn’t the most comfortable of times. At least a home Wedding provides a cooler climate so that you aren’t sweating like a Sumo Wrestler on a cross-trainer.
It’s more inclusive to all. Apart from a Wedding gift the guests don’t have to cough up an arm and a leg for a flight. Also, you don’t have to experience great aunty Gladys unkempt foliage in a bikini if you handle your nuptials in your shire.
In a nut shell
On a foreign encounter you can contain your guest list to a chosen tight knit squad, so uncle Plonker and aunty Wassock can fall by the wayside and chances are you will not need your umbrella-ella-ella.
Getting married in your shire will keep the traditionalists happy and you won’t have to guilt trip family or friends into spending top dollar on a jet away. Your ‘It’s insanity if it’s not Christianity’ relatives will be happy that you may choose to do the deed in the big man’s house. Mo Wedding guests mo presents..
‘What qualifies me to pipe up and offer wedding advice? I have been fortunate to have been a Best Man on four occasions, an Usher several times, a Master of Ceremonies and have written more speeches and tutored more Best Men, Groom’s, Ushers and Bridesmaids than you can shake a flute of Prosecco at.’
I hope you have found my above examples entertaining and you agree with me that there is a niche in the Wedding market for a guide for the guys then feel free to get in touch.
Thank you for your time and the opportunity to share my idea.
Barry.

What the Bride wants from the Best Man

 

Mr&MrsW http://www.mrandmrsw.com/

As best man you are not only there to please the groom but also his lovely betroved. Adlington Hall Wedding Venue in Cheshire asked some of their brides what they want from their fiancées bestman, and shared these insights with Best Man Beacon

Bride Vs Best Man

The relationship between Bride and Best Man can be brilliant, but sometimes a bit tense. The bride has to acknowledge the best man will always be the best man and have a place in her husband to be’s heart. Whilst the best man has to make way for the lady so important to his best friend and allow them space.

In the best relationships Bride and Best man will get on great, others it can be a bit fraught, you don’t want to piss the Bride off even more by messing up her big day.

The Bride on the Stag do

• No strippers
• No nudity
• No Night before

The Bride on Drinking at the wedding

Don’t. Well not before the ceremony and not too much before the speeches. She wants you to have fun and enjoy the day but she needs you to be compos mentus and be able to do all your duties on the day helping the wedding run smoothly.

Don’t let the groom drink before the wedding! Last thing the bride wants is a drunk husband, slurring words for the video, red cheeked for the photos, no shots while you are getting ready andjust to be sure no beers before the wedding.

The Bride on seating

The bride and groom, most likely the former, spent hours on seating plans and making sure you know who should not sit next to whom. Families come with their own politics, don’t be clever and let them sort things out at the wedding.

Also don’t sit yourself next to the prettiest single bridesmaid, there’s plenty of time to chat her up later.

The Bride on the Groom

The Bride is marrying the love of her life, the man of her dreams, her soul mate. Make sure he scrubs up well and on time. It is the bride’s prerogative to be late to the wedding but not the Grooms. Make sure the Ushers abide by your rules, if he turns up late, drunk or with a penis on his forehead from a joke, you may not have been responsible but you will be to blame.

The Bride on Timings

Tardiness is not an option. Your job is to help the day run smoothly, make sure you know what time the groom has to be somewhere, is he due to speak to the father of the bride before the ceremony? Does he need to

meet up with the registrar or vicar? Has she given you gifts to give him throughout the day, or vice versa. For once in your life you need to be organised – think militant.

The Bride on the Photographs

There will be a limited time to get the wedding day immortalised with professional photos, help round up the wedding party, lure them with drinks if you have to, but make sure everyone is present and in the right place at the right time.

Smile for the camera, follow the photographers (or brides) instructions, and did we mention make sure neither you nor the Groom are drunk at this point.

The Bride on the Speeches

The speeches are your moment, the chance to humiliate your best mate, drag up his past, takecentre stage of the occasion, but it is still her day. For god’s sake tread carefully. No bringing up your best mates ex girlfriends or conquests, just don’t! Keep it family friendly, you are making the speech in front of her Mum, Dad, Granny, nephew so keep it PG (or at the most a

12a).

Don’t turn on the bride, no matter what do not say anything negative about her, her appearance,her past, her future, just nothing, stick to ‘doesn’t she look beautiful he’s a lucky guy’.

Don’t download your speech, its wedding season and the whole wedding party will know it’s not original.

Embarrassing the groom is fair game; it’s his own fault for picking you so he reaps what he sows, just stick to the above guidelines to keep his new Mrs happy.

The Bride on the Best Man

At the end of the day the Bride knows she’s not just marrying her husband but you come a long as part of the package. His mate, his brother, his best man, she wants you on side and to get on but if you mess up her wedding day you will pay!  

As always if you’re a Best man, Groom, Father of the Bride, a Bride or Bridesmaid this year see ‘our services’ for speech writing. Have a look at some of our previous speech writing blogs.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly Stag pranks by Maximise.

As a Best man, rocking a memorable Stag Do pitched to perfection can appear as tricky as convincing your nan that Movember is only for us guys without hurting her feelings. For a leg up look no further than the unique marvel of the good people at Maximise. They have the experience and the cahones to make sure that your Stag Do is one to be reveled in over many pints for years to come. Enjoy their guest blogging comedy gold.

Maximise are the leading specialist Stag weekend organiser in the UK. You’ll find great Stag ideas for your weekend in the UK, Europe or abroad on our website, just take a look!

Stag Pranks: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

“I’ll sleep better knowing my good friend is by my side to protect me” says Blondie in the classic western The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. It’s a sentiment echoed by a lot of grooms-to-be on a stag do, but unfortunately it’s usually the best friend you need to keep an eye on.

In the wake of one of the most sensational stag do pranks of all time, which saw Mark Longley from Croydon, the groom,have the pubic hair of the stags glued to his face on his stag do, the stag weekend company Maximise.co.uk have put together the ultimate list of stag pranks for the best man to take inspiration from. Whatever pranks you end up using though, from the playful through to the ‘he’s-going-to-kill-me-for-doing-this’, remember to pick wisely. After all, what goes around does inevitably come around, usually around the time of your stag do.

The Good

Not all pranks have to end in tears. Play nice with these fun pranks, guaranteeing a good story for the best man speech but minimising the fear of evil prank retribution on your own stag do.

• Sexy Hitchhiker: Only available in Eastern European countries (unsurprisingly), Maximise can organise a sexy twist to the classic hitchhiker hijack. The Sexy Hitchhiker package involves a prank straight from the plane. During the transfer from the airport to your hotel, your taxi driver will pick up a pretty girl looking for a ride. After some chit chat, the sexy hitchhiker will identify the stag and start a mini-cab strip to his surprise (and delight!)

• Blindfold Bungee: Get the stag to face his fear of heights with blind bungee. It’ll take a lot of planning and some convincing execution, but the results will be worth the effort. Ideally incorporate into an active adventure weekend so it’s less of a random request. Get the camera ready to film the results as you watch the blindfolded groom, complete in a bungee harness, take a blind leap of faith into the abyss, only to land in a paddling pool a couple of feet away. Watch these Norwegian lads execute this prank to perfection below.

      Rabid Dog: For those who want to get truly barking mad on their stag weekend in Krakow… Got a stag who thinks he’s fearless? Get him to try our rabid dog chase! The rest of the lads will all stand back and watch the show as the stag gets baited by a K9 dog, who will hunt the stag down and latch on. Luckily enough the stag will be wearing protective gear and there will be a professional handler to keep things in order… maybe tell the stag to take a change of underwear just in case though!

• Novelty Stripper: Enjoy this hilarious stag prank on your stag weekend in Budapest… You and the lads can watch the look of delight on the stags face at the prospect of a gorgeous stripper turning up to do her thing turn in to something else completely as our ‘bubbly’ beauty shimmies up to the man of the moment for a 15 minute performance… This buxom stripper will give you and the lads a show that none of you will forget in a hurry…

The Bad

If you’re looking to prank the stag with something a bit crueller, (maybe you want to get revenge for the pranks he organised for your stag?), then check out these lean and mean ideas.

• Stag Arrest: This prank works best if only one or two of you know it’s a stitch up – the reaction of his terrified groom’s men with really get the stag convinced they’re in trouble.  Maximise’s Stag Arrest involves actual off-duty cops turning up to arrest your stag group on a misdemeanour charge. Those arrested will be taken away to a (now abandoned) police station that’s set up to look like a working station – there they’ll be interrogated until the prankster reveals all.

• Get on the weights son: After the stag has finished his packing, sneak a brick or two into his luggage. Watch him struggle and sweat with his bag – but if he asks you if his bag feels heavy to you, lift it up as if it’s light as a feather and tell him to ‘get on the weights son’.

• Busk-a-groom: Take the groom’s money and possessions, give him a guitar and force him to busk for his beer money.

• Team Betrayal: Stuck for fancy dress ideas on a stag do? These Birmingham lads knew the outfit that would humiliate their West Brom supporting stag the most – the Wolves football kit! Getting the stag kitted out in the colour of his team’s nemesis is definitely going to wind him up a treat.

The Ugly

If it’s no-holds barred prank carnage you’re after, (and you’re prepared for your best mate to not speak to you until after the wedding), here are some more ugly stunts to consider.

• Sexy stripper swap: Halfway through the stag’s striptease, have the female stripper blindfold him. She steps away to let a male stripper take over, unbeknownst to the stag. You’ll have some excellent, extortion-worthy video of the stag enjoy an outrageous lap dance from an oiled-up muscle man.

• Destination Unknown: Lower the expectations of the groom by convincing him you’re headed to a cheap-but-cheerful party town. Pack everyone up on the National Express and watch the groom pretend he’s not disappointed he’s not headed to Vegas or Ibiza.  You can play the big reveal in the naff location by heading straight to the city’s airport and getting on an airplane out of there! (Just don’t forget the stag’s passport…)

•  Preacher gotta preach:  Dress the stag as a religious figure, complete with bible, and he only gets a beer if and when he can get pedestrians to say Amen. Be careful how far you push religious dress up though; if you’re in a religious country you don’t want to upset any locals with blasphemous behaviour. After all, who can forget the stag group who dressed up as naughty nuns in Malia, only to be arrested and locked up for the night in a local Greek jail!

• Brown fudgies: Quite literally, the ugliest prank of them all. Anything involving laxatives is never going to end well. Before you bring poop-inducing pills into the prank equation though, remember that someone’s going to have to clean it up and have to explain the mess to the hotel manager.

As always if you’re a Best man, Groom, Father of the Bride, a Bride or Bridesmaid this year see ‘our services’ for speech writing. Have a look at some of our previous speech writing blogs.

The history of the ‘Best man’ role. Sweeping a bride off of her feet, literally.

The ‘Best man’ is the King Dingaling of the Wedding train, make no bones about that. With this mammoth role comes immense responsibility. The Best man is the proverbial super glue that holds the wedding together. Just remember, a happy Bride stems the tide of a rough ride as long as you take pride, abide and guide or else prepare for your conkers to get royally fried. You can stoically and meticulously approach the role with individual gusto or you can swagger half arsedly through the motions, use a reputable stag company to take care of business and pay some smart arse to write your speech (see the good people at http://www.bestmanbeacon.com) and you’ll have more swagger than Jagger.

Back in a simpler time many moons ago when Monks had to drink Ale instead of water to avoid illness and an untimely, grizzly, demise the Best man role was as rough as a Woodpecker’s chin. The alleged origins of this iconic role originate from the Germanic Goth days of the 16^th century. The Best man wasn’t selected because he was the only guy to befriend the groom to-be in University Halls; because he was funny; because he was the only one that the Bride to-be kind of liked or because he’s the longest serving friend. The Best man was chosen on his specific set of skills; particularly his sword ‘stabby’ skills and generally being the Rocky Claude Van Tyson dude of the village. To add an additional level of ultra violence the Groom to-be and Best man were accompanied by a band of shank wielding Ushers.

The reason behind this school of thought was that the romance that we guys are so sensitive and forthcoming with today, stood for sweet diddly squat back then. Pre Tinder, Moon Pig, Human Rights and Electricity days the bachelor would run his eye over the eligible lady folk of the village and if nobody tickled his metaphorical pickle then he and his Best man Rocky Claude Van Tyson would venture on a quest to neighboring villages to find a foxy, child bearing bachelorette. When a prospective wife was identified, the bachelor’s role was to snatch and grab her while Rocky Claude Van Tyson and his band of murderous men were fighting off her family and any other takers with their blades and by any general barbaric means available. The kidnapped filly had to always stand on the Groom to-be’s left hand side so that he could have his sword wielding hand free to fend off any wannabe ‘A-Team’ style rescue attempts.  Ah, young love. “Love is patient, love is kind, love is bashful to one’s head, love is kidnapping, love is gory and love is decapitating” Gore-inthians…

Just when you were starting to feel sick from the sugar rush of the sweet, sticky, romantic historical gestures. Another role of the Gothic Best man was to guard the ‘Precious’ wedding ring in a loco, malnourished, grey Goblin kind of extreme . He would stick to the Groom like faeces to a blanket. If anyone attempted to steal the ring, the Best man would chop the kleptomaniac down faster than the Groom to-be could say “Jog on you sticky-fingered plonker.”

So to all you Best men out there, thank your lucky stars that you don’t have to commit an assault, impersonate Golem, be involved in a kidnapping or to commit a mass cull to fulfill your duties honorably. Nowadays a winning plan would be to check out the modern responsibilities in previous blogs such as 24 hours Wedding day guide or Preparing for the Best man role

In a nutshell   

Marriage by capture occurred if there were no hotties within the shire. The Groom to-be would road trip to a neighbouring village with his hardest mate and the lads who were handiest with a blade and hand pick then acquire the foxiest chica in sight and fight off any opposing miffed relatives. The gang would then mosey on back home to tie the knot. True love conquers all.

As always if you’re a Best man, Groom, Father of the Bride, a Bride or Bridesmaid this year see ‘our services’ for speech writing.  Have a look at some of our previous speech writing blogs

Coming up

Happy St Dwynwen’s Day (Welsh Patron St of Love). Featuring romantic Welsh wedding proposals.

‘Wedding 24’. 1 full turn of the earth on it’s axis. Most days blur into the other 364. Other days will be remembered until you gasp your last breath.

21:00 – 00:00 Wedding Day Eve/Lock Down

In my experience this goes one of two ways. Either the Groom to-be is contemplative, reserved and a tad pensive or they as reckless as a one legged, drunk Rodeo Clown. The latter is tricky to reign in. The last thing you want is a hung-over Groom so you have to have some restraint yourself and have a clear plan of attack. Where you’re going? How you are getting there and back? What time you are getting back to HQ? Having a big boy sleepover helps to keep the precious cargo in check. In ‘Alan Partridge’ styley; draw the metaphorical gun from the holster, knock the safety catch off, make sure there’s one in the
chamber and move and fire, move and fire. The Groom is disorientated by the clarity of instruction, the next thing he knows he is being bundled into a waiting car and escorted back to HQ. Mission complete.

08:00 – 10:00 The last meal as a free man. “Walking the mile”

What is your primary objective? By anyone’s minimal expectations you are to ensure that the Groom is stood at the altar, copusmentus, without an odour of vomitus, not blubbering like a teenage girl who has been on redial for an hour unsuccessfully trying to buy 1D concert tickets and in a calm and collected manner. To initiate this goal I would suggest a hearty breakfast as this could be the last opportunity to fuel up for several hours. Nobody likes a ‘fainter’ or a Groom’s stomach growling above the vows like Lassie beside an open mine shaft.

10:00 – 12:00 Preparation and briefing

Make it absolutely crystal clear to the Groom to-be that you appreciate that he is at an overwhelming crossroad and assure him that they have no idea how far you are willing to go to acquire their cooperation today. Especially if ‘Mr Cold Feet’ comes a knocking. Even if he is as wild as a caged nymphomaniac at a Jelly Wrestling Party you need to adhere to protocol and stick to your game plan. Don’t embrace too much down time, keep the ball rolling so that there’s no time to dwell on the inevitable and keep busy. Arrange for the Ushers to meet you so that you can all get suited, booted and dolled up. It’s imperative that you have the wedding rings in a safe place as the only thing you have to succeed in is to arrive with the Groom and the rings.

12:00 – 14:00 Establish contact. Target engaged        

Pre-arrange transport to the church/wedding venue prior to today so that there’s one less thing to remember. At the venue, accompany the Groom up to the altar and let the formalities take their course. You’re approaching the End Zone and can almost smell the Jaegerbombs, almost there.

14:00 – 16:00 Initiate Speech. Go time…

If you adhere to the previous speech blogs (previous speech blog) and are adequately prepared then you will swagger through the next few hours. Once completed, drop tools at sundown after a hard days graft on site and blow the froth off a few well deserved barley pops, kick back and take some time to smell the roses. Touch Down and End Zone celebration boogie.

16:00 – 21:00 Make hay while the sun shines brother

Your responsibilities are done and dusted. Joint operations will cease to exist on the same level as the days prior to the vows. The cake cutting and first dance will take their course. Sometimes this can be tough to take, as a new contact has taken over now, ‘The Wife’. They will represent the Groom on all their future endeavours and you will disappear more and more in to the shadows. “You are out of time.”

As always if you’re a Best man, Groom, Father of the Bride, a Bride or Bridesmaid this year see ‘our services’ for speech writing.  Have a look at some of our previous speech writing blogs

Coming up – The history of the ‘Best man’ role. Sweeping a bride off of her feet, literally. Nobody likes a kidnap…

Best man experience number two for a life-long close mate. Free reign given from both sets of in-laws and even the Vicar consented to the shenanigans.

Here follows my speech so if any budding Best men need a little inspiration just take a gander. It’s been edited a tad due to the length. Enjoy.

‘I have been given lots of advice today for my speech. One thing I was told was to speak for as long as it takes for the Groom to make love. Well ladies and gentleman, get comfy because I will be speaking for a long time and don’t think that falling asleep will help, that’s just a challenge for Bob (Groom).

I’d like to share our appreciation for our little stars of the day. Our Page Boy David and our Flower Girls Jane and Sophie.

I have been given the Green Light to say whatever I like today by Rita (Mother of the Bride) and Rupert (Vicar). I can see that we have a few young people in attendance today so if you see me do this and say “Ear Muffs” (Hands over my ears) please cover your ears. I’ve tried to pitch the speech somewhere between Susan Boyle and Frankie Boyle! So apologies if I cause any offence.

I would like to say how beautiful Brenda (Bride) looks today. She is an absolute star. Bob and Brenda always try their best to embarrass me. Well guys, today it’s my turn. Bob and Brenda’s door is the only door I knock, cough and rattle the handle before I enter in case I interrupt any ‘Afternoon Delight’….. or Morning Delight….. or Evening Delight for that matter.

The Bridesmaids look beautiful today fair play. As Kate (Chief Bridesmaid) can vouch, the ‘Mr & Mrs Quiz’ answers from the Hen and Stag Do were one hell of an eye opener and gave us quite the insight. In fact some of the answers made my eye’s water. 

Now, to the man of the hour. Who?! By his own admission is a very, very difficult man to embarrass. So here goes. Robert Michael Jones, also known as Bob, Curly and Jim Levinstein from the American Pie movies, was born on the 24th of April 1982. I trawled the internet for hours in research and I couldn’t find anything interesting or memorable that happened on that day. However I did find out that what 2 girls can do with 1 cup shook me to my very core. I haven’t had a Mr Whippy since…. Bob was born at Brecon Hospital on a drizzly Tuesday and to this very day, 30 years later Nurses still refer to this day of the week as ‘Ugly Tuesday’. Bless him.

In all seriousness, Bob is loyal, strong, a great laugh, thirsty and a ridiculously accurate time keeper. What I love about him is that when I go to him for advice he’s always brutally honest.

To look at, Bob was interesting and very different to the other pupils at Primary School. He had a bum like J-Lo and a nose like a Sesame Street character. To this day the rest of his body is gradually catching up to these gigantic features. I believe the photographers Sandy and Mel asked for a profile shot during the pre-wedding photo shoot and Bob’s nose knocked the tripod over.

I approached Bob’s year 7 High School Form teacher Mrs Davies to get an insight into his teenage years. She spoke warmly about Bob and was kind enough to send us this Good Luck card. (Pull out Good Luck card saying. He was best in his year at building sand-castles. Was the best Dungeons and Dragons player in his realm and had an appetite for eating Play Doh. He was exceptional.)

There is an old dear friend of Bob’s here today. Brenda and I have secretly tracked him down so that he can make a special appearance. He has been a rock to Bob over the years and he is currently waiting in the wings. He’s not been this far from home before. ( I leave the microphone stand and walk out of sight to the bar and return with Bob’s childhood Stuffed Dog who we had dressed up in a mini suit to match myself and the Ushers) Can I please introduce you to Cuddly Joe. Rumour has it that he, Bob and Brenda have shared a bed together on more than one occasion.

I heard a beautiful tale I would like to share with you that I feel is appropriate today. Get your EAR MUFFS ready. The story is about a lovely Irish couple called Paddy and Mary. They awoke on the morning of their 50th Wedding Anniversary and Mary lovingly glances across to Paddy and says “Orr Paddy. I luv ya. You’ve made me the happiest woman in all of Eireland.” Paddy replies “Orr Mary I luv ya more dan life itself.” Mary said “I’m so lucky to have ya. Now is der anyting at all dat I could do for ya to make ya even happier Pad?” Paddy awkwardly replies “Ar well, jeez Mary. Well now dat ya mention it der has been one ting missing dat I’ve never had in all of our days.” “Wats dat den. I’ll do anyting to make my Pad happy?” “Well da one ting dat I’d really, really appreciate Mary. Is, is, is a BJ!” So with no hesitation and with a loving gaze Mary slowly slides out her false teeth and seductively lowers them into a glass of water by the bed side table. Two action packed minutes later the gesture was complete. Paddy says “Oh dear God Mary, dat was mind blowing. It was absolutely perfect. You’re my very own angel. Now is der anyting at all in da world dat I can do for ya in return?” Knelt in her Nighty, on her artificial knees she looks up at Paddy with her gums shining and her face completely pebble-dashed she says “I’ll settle for a kiss Paddy.”

Apologies for any offence caused there. The reason why I shared this romantic tale with you is because (Turn to Bride and Groom) you guys have all the ingredients to spend the rest of your lives together. There is no pretense and you share a rare honesty that makes me happy to know you and I am honoured to be your Best man. Brenda is passionate, lovely, warm, great fun, stunning and deserves a great husband. So Bob, thank your lucky stars she met you before she found one.

Now if you could all join me in a toast. ‘To love, to laughter, to a happy ever after.’ Mr & Mrs Jones. Cheers.     

As always take a look at ‘our services’ if you require any assistance.

Coming up – Appreciation for the person in the cloth, God’s right hand amigo.

Battle of the Bridezilla. “We’re gonna need a bigger Best man.”

My numerous Wedding day ‘coordinator’ roles tend to arouse curiosity. The minute I tell people that I’m a Bride Wedding Negotiator (BWN), they want to know what it’s like to talk to people who are flirting with absolute desperate scenarios that could de-rail into a crisis at any second.

Since I was 22, friends, family and onlookers have encouraged me to jot down my chronicles over the last decade of working within such intense pressurized combat zones and share the lessons I have learned in convincing unstable people to down their weapons and surrender peacefully. I have gathered intelligence and established protocol in bargaining approaches, high-risk taking, crisis negotiating and evacuation procedures.

The Bridezilla is what is known in the trade as a Catastrophizer. They can be very unhinged, erratic and can explode without warning. Alone, they can be managed with tact (avoiding additional stress such as ‘not’ sharing the Stag Do stripper war stories of the Groom), by using positive language (the power outage with the knackered Marquee generator will only add to the ambiance), managing emotions of the Bride (exiting stage left), having contingency plans (Spa days, Chick flicks, “Look over there” and any other possible distractions.)

Having a strong and reliable Task Force around you is the best form of advice I can offer. If you have patience and creativity within the Task Force of people around you and the collective willingness to ‘do whatever it takes’ to diffuse the stress bomb that is the Bridezilla; then you are as ready as the maiden cliff top flight of a Barnacle Goose chick. The usual suspects are the Groom, Ushers, father of the bride and anyone who you would trust with your last Rolo. It’s of the up-most importance to adopt the patience of William Wallace. “Hold. Hold. Hoold. Hooold. Hoooold. NOW!!” Then chop the target down like the ‘Warrior Poets’ you are.

The Bridezillas of the wedding world are few and far between. You are more likely to come across a Bride who is a legend for 99% of the time and then when you least expect it their meticulous plan will hit a pot-hole on the road to the big day and you will have a ‘Wild Cat’ on your hands. (Don’t promise anything you can’t deliver and save the Groom to-be like you’re diving on a rogue grenade to save him.) The Bride’s I have had the pleasure of being a Best man or Usher for have been totally chilled, minimal stress and we’re still talking to this day. ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’. Be prepared, stay safe and if in doubt, stop, drop and roll.

As always take a look at ‘our services’ if you require any assistance.

Coming up – Best man experience number two. Speech highlights of a fun-packed, free reigned crack at the Best man title.

Next Blog Mother In Law

‘Wedding Band of Brothers’ Best man experience number one for my brother. Sincere, safe and family orientated.

I shared this occasion with my brother’s Best mate who gave a great speech. One nugget he used which I have recycled was “We’re very lucky that the wedding took place at all today. Behind the scenes the Groom was admitted to hospital for a few days earlier this week. He was a patient in the Premature Ejaculation Unit. It was touch and go for a while.”

I find family wedding speeches are far easier as the guests are more forgiving, you know the majority of them and you have far more anecdotes and occasions to draw from. My brother had his roasting from the other Best man so my role was to be sincere and to welcome his missus into the family. As he is my elder brother I started by sharing that “I have known you all my life and always looked up to you. God knows why.” As the Bride and Groom had kids together I officially welcomed them to our family and shared that they have in fact been a huge part of our family for a while now. I thanked them for blessing us with my nieces and all the memories we’ve made together and will continue to do so in the future. One of my roles for the evening bun-fight was to keep an eye on my brother’s trousers of all things. His wedding suit trousers were a tad on the large side and he was constantly pulling them up. Then later on after a few sherberts my brother’s patience wore as thin as Bobby Charlton’s hair. He ‘dropped trou’ and stood at the bar chatting with guests with his trousers around his ankles. I sprinted over, pulled them up and encouraged him to sit the next couple of plays out and the job was a good un. ‘He aint heavy, he’s my brother with over-sized trousers’.

When it comes to family weddings you are likely to be way more clued up on the moral threshold of the majority therefore it’s easier to pitch your speech in terms of naughtiness. Compared to a wedding of a University friend where you may only be able to count familiar people on one hand, a family do provides a ‘safety net’ as you will know the bulk of the guest list and can already anticipate the ‘Wild Card’ guests and the people who you know who enjoy a bit of banter.

Hecklers

‘The Top Table Crew’ of the Bride, Groom, in-laws, Chief Bridesmaid and Ushers have been relatively kind to me in the past. Their heckles are the hardest to come back from as they are the Mafia family for the day. It’s an unwritten rule that you don’t mess with them on their day or you can expect to ‘wake up with fishes’ or next to a severed horse’s head. I’d advise avoiding any responses to ‘The Mafiosa’ like a Lemming should avoid cliff top picnics.

The ‘Single Table’ have been loose cannons for me in the past. There’s a higher chance that they’ve been throwing back Grand-pa’s old cough medicine, drowning their sorrows of a disillusioned vision that they will be eternally single and everybody around them are tying the knot leaving them snot-bubble crying up on ye olde shelf. Another reason that they are a ‘Heckle Risk’ is that there’s more horn on that table than in a Brass Band and in will strut ‘Mr/Mrs Look at me’. It doesn’t hurt to have a few witty retorts in your locker. A favourite of mine is “I remember my first beer” or “Have you run out of Crayons. Can we get them some Playdoh please?” or “I would insult you back if Mother Nature hadn’t already taken care of it.”

In a nut-shell.

Pitch your speech at an appropriate level which will allow for a few giggles and not cause any offence to any un-hinged individuals. We’ve all got them. If you disagree with me then I once again apologize as chances are very high that you are the token ‘Odd Ball’. That’s your journey and your journey alone. No need to drag the Best man along with you for the ride. God Speed… The last thing you want on the wedding day is drunk Uncle Nigel kicking you in the knackers for mentioning his toupee in the speech or Gam Gam writing you out of her will for a ‘Feeding the Pony’ comment. If in doubt revert to breaking bread with the Ushers and In-laws ‘to be’ and test the water a tad with a few topics that you are unsure of.

As always take a gander at ‘our services’ if you require a leg up.

Coming up – The ‘Usher’s Parable. This job can be harder than being Forest Gump’s Math tutor…

‘Necessity is the mother of invention.’ Handling pre-speech nerves. How to be as cool as the proverbial Cucumber and not shudder like a defecating pooch.

The immense crippling nerves that are commonly associated with public speaking and Best man speeches in particular are one of life’s conundrums. Such as, why is the ‘Letter S’ in the word ‘Lisp’? Why is the word ‘Dyslexic’ a high scoring Scrabble word? Why does Coke taste better out of a glass bottle than out of a can? Why does a dog feel confident to attack a moving car yet if a vacuum cleaner is turned on near them they freak out more than a wine connoisseur finding out a novice wine taster is chewing bubble-gum? It’s more annoying than the incorrect overuse of the word ‘literally’ or the incorrect use of the word ‘pacific’ instead of ‘specific’. Without being pacific this literally drives me nuts. Some things in this universe are just too loco to comprehend and the list is longer than an MP’s expense claim form.

Don’t let the speech become the Elephant in the room.

The best way at combating ‘Best man speech’ nerves is to approach it like this; ‘If you always prepare in the same way you’ve always prepared then you will always achieve what you’ve always achieved.’ Therefore if you have a negative experience in memory then approach this speech differently and treat it as a positive opportunity and not like an Albatross around your neck. (See ‘7 Ps’ and ‘SMART’ in previous Blog)

If you have crippling nerves regarding the speech then I suggest stripping everything down and approaching this opportunity differently. If you’ve suffered from nerves on a similar occasion previously then try to remember your body’s symptoms at the peak of the nerves. Common symptoms are erratic breathing, an increase in heart rate, sweating and the desire drop anchor in Pooh Bay. How you feel (anxious, scared, trapped, isolated) and what you think (I’m going to have a mare; I’m going to be a laughing stock; everyone knows I’m petrified) both marry up together as a negative behaviour (Common bodily symptoms above). Nerves will be a thing of the past if you feel (excited, confident, relaxed) and think (What’s the worst that could happen?! I’m not going to die up here. I’m prepared. I’ll do it like I practiced. It’s going to be a laugh and a chance to wind my mate up) then you will behave in a more confident, positive way and you will be in control.

An option which always chills me out is Yoga. I’m not suggesting for a second that you buy some incense, hug the nearest Oak Tree and start wearing linen trousers. Yoga classes focus on breathing, relaxing and focusing your mind. Once you get used to the old downward facing hound you will find ways of focusing your breathing and heart rate so that you can overcome stressful situations. When you’ve overcome the misconception that Yoga classes are full of hippies and flatulent OAPs consider these two words. Yoga Pants… The whole point is to approach the whole ’Best man experience’ differently and in a positive way which works for you as an individual.

In bygone Best man speeches I have witnessed, seemingly confident friends fall apart at the microphone faster than a counterfeit Optimus Prime. One Best man forgot to number his speech cards; he managed to drop them and cocked up his card order. He cracked on in a flustered, chaotic manner for 10 seconds or so and then had to sit down and the Groom tentatively had a crack at the title. It’s the closest thing to human Jenga that I’ve ever seen, the poor guy just crumbled and collapsed before our very eyes. (See ‘7 Ps)

Another Best man took Dutch courage to a whole new level. He drank so much he even sounded Dutch “I’d like you to all be upshtanding for a toasht.” With a few ‘F – Bombs’ thrown in willy-nilly I can safely say that he was as much use as a glove on a foot. I always have a hip flask on go on the wedding day with my usual tipple of Mr Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum or Mrs Disaronno (other tipples are available). That way the Groom and I can have a cheeky swill to take the edge off if required. I find that a half a dozen slugs of Lucifer’s fiery sauce will suffice. If this is favorable to you then remember to pace yourself, particularly if the speeches are after the food. It can be a long shift so take it steady and don’t peak too “Shoon”.

If you require a little helping hand on you’re journey to a successful launch, just take a gander at our services for more information. If a frog had wings it wouldn’t bump it’s arse whenever it hopped. We can be your wings..

Coming up- Best man experience numero uno – My big brother. Sincere, safe and family orientated.