Stag do pranks that were top bants from Pissup

Just in case you haven’t had the pleasure of coming across the Stag Do Kings of party planning ‘Piss up’ here’s a look at a selection of memorable Stag stitch ups. Our personal favourite has to be the poor broken Stag heading home on the mini-bus when his mates scare him half to death in the ‘Car Crash Prank’. You can almost smell his fear. Enjoy.

Stag do pranks that were top bants

Pranking the groom on a stag do is a must and as the best man you need to be the prankster of the group.

Pissup.com recently wrote an article about stag do pranks that were top bants to help all the best men out there that are struggling to come up with some stitch-ups to play on the groom-to-be.

Check out this list of the best ever stag do pranks that were definitely top bants.

Getting your stag arrested (not literally)

A group of lads hire two Latvian cops to arrest the stag for drugs they plant in the front seat of the car.

The bungee jump prank

A must-try prank for a stag do is to blindfold your stag and tell them that they are going to do a bungee jump, but instead make them jump into a baby pool. You will recognise this as it was an internet sensation.

Glue a friend’s pubic hair to the stag’s face and visit a senior centre

This prank also went viral, as the stag was made to wear a beard made up of his friend’s pubic hair. Oh and he was also gaffer taped to a wheelchair, made to hold a cabbage, was dressed in incontinence pants, clown shoes and colourful socks, all whilst being rolled into a centre for over 50s.

Smoke bomb shower

Never heard of a smoke bomb shower? Just watch and learn.

The kidnap

A classic prank for the start of the stag do is to pretend to kidnap the stag. On this occasion the groom was driving along a country lane with his fiancé, who was in on the prank, and was then jumped by his mates.

Airport prank

The stag is going through security at Budapest airport in Hungary, but gets stopped and his bag is searched. Unbeknown to him, his pals have put a sex toy in his bag strapped to a bottle of water.

Shoot the pink bunny

Paintballing is a common stag do activity and what better way to set up the stag than by dressing him in a pink bunny outfit?

Borat style fancy dress

Dressing up in a Borat-style fancy dress outfit is now commonplace for a stag do and watching this video just reinforces why it is so funny.

A game of spoons

This prank sees the stag get roped into the spoons game, but there’s a hitch as the guy he’s playing against has got one of his mates (who is supposed to be the referee) to hit the stag over the head with a wooden spoon instead of an average-sized one.

The car crash prank

Last, but certainly not least, these guys are heading home in the car after a stag do in Prague. The stag is asleep, which only means that you have one last opportunity to prank him.

Image Credit: Tom Henry (flickr.com)

‘Numpty Proof’ Stag Do Guide to keep the Away Stag Do as smooth as Arthur Fonzarello.

I’ve been on a few Stag Do’s where mass confusion has ensued purely because of a lack of information sharing. You can be as organised as a farmer successfully taxi-ing their Fox, Chicken and Chicken Feed across a river. If you don’t keep the group in the loop then expect confused carnage.

I came across the Stag Programme idea on an Edinburgh Stag Do many moons ago and loved it as it not only filled you in on the itinerary/rendezvous it also provides the opportunity to slate the Stag with more gusto than you can during the Best man speech when his Great Aunty Ethyl and Gam-Gam are present. “What did that young man say about feeding a pony Ethyl?” Awkward times.

On a recent stag do I organised there were two ‘Loose Cannons’ in the Stag group who were concerned about following the ‘Stag Do Programme’. Amazing, unique individuals whose sheer presence have put ‘two fingers up’ to Charles Darwin. One of which is harder than a Beaver’s bottom lip and the other is as random as a Sandal on a Cheese Board. The first gent can jump up in the air and spin-kick ‘Van Damme styley’ and accurately brush your fringe with his shoe. The second hero literally gave road side ‘mouth to mouth’ resuscitation to a Badger (unsuccessfully I might add). The ‘Stag Do Programme’ kept decorum for the group as a whole and kept these two hero’s singing from the same collective hymn sheet as the rest of the crew from start to finish. Amen.

Here follows an example of a ‘Stag do Programme’.

The Fabulous amigos sharing Rich Tales and fables of Will Owen Price on his farewell tour.

Courtship is as old as the early days of fire and the wheel my friend.

Well here we all are. A weekend away to mark the impending sunset of the single life and times of Will Owen Price. Mother Nature’s impish man child burrowed himself in many a furry warren in the pulling years of 1999 to 2002. I was proud to be your wing man and to mop up the low self-esteemed chicas whose hot friend had abandoned them to get silly with Willy. We came across quite a selection of wild cats and Hobbit footed natural disasters over those memorable times.

“If you want to get out of the wedding, treat every day from now on like a prison riot.” Barrington Bear age 31 ½

Prison riots are a lot like getting married. Women look for weakness. Like the annual migration of Water Bison through Lion town in the Serengeti. There’s always fear in the air. There comes a time when a Water Bison might as well accept it and embrace the inevitability. Some men can’t handle it. They buckle under the fear. These are the ones who get taken down by the jugular faster than a pair of pants on Prom Night.

It’s not too late hombre. Options….

Play dead. It’s a strategy that will save you in the long game. It requires commitment, a safe house and a counterfeit Passport.

Another Prison Riot strategy is to side with the homosexuals. This will require a significant lifestyle shift and is a guaranteed banker.

Flog your dolphin in public. This is a bold move, not my style, it’s extremely effective at isolating yourself from ‘normal’ society.

A wise man once said “One day we all end up at the banquet of our own consequences.” Ronald Burgundy.

For many men that banquet is a disturbing and fitting conclusion to a life of poor choices. As for you my good man if you ignore the ‘prison riot Survival Rules’ and take the plunge your banquet will be fit for Kimye.

Either way we’ll all be there in the good times and the bad. Tip of the cap to you amigo.

Friday Aug 1^st 3 – 5pm ‘Titan Zip-Line’ o’clock.

For the non-flyers there’s a café that serves Fire-water on site.

Blaenau Ffestiniog.  Titan, Llechwedd Slate Caverns, Blaenau Ffestiniog, Gwynedd, LL41 3NB (2 hours 33 minute drive 110 miles.) Tel: 01248 601 444

Next stop Bunk House.  (16 minutes. 12 miles away.)

Glan Aber Hotel, Holyhead Road, Betws y coed, Conwy LL24 0AB Tel: 01690 710325

Saturday 1.30pm (need to be there by 1pm) White Water Rafting.

National White Water Centre. Canolfan Tryweryn, Bala, Frongoch, Gwynedd LL23 7NU (19 miles.41 minute drive taxi). Tel: 01678 521083

(Inspired by Mr Ron Burgundy and his stellar musings in his autobiography ‘Let me off at the top.’)

Coming up.

Best man speech preparation, drawing board basics, planning, template and execution.

 

Home is where the ‘Smart’ is… ‘Home Stag Do’ continued.

Etiquette and Drinking Games.

As mentioned I’ve experienced over twenty Stag Do’s ranging from relatively sober affairs where we canoed by day, camped in a Tipi and supped away slow and steadily by night and other Do’s where we were as drunk as a Hillbillies in Moonshine season. Alcohol is not the be all and end all for a successful Do. As long as you have a laugh and you cater for the Groom and the majority’s tastes then you’ve got the Do by the Ging Gang Goolies. In my experience, gone are the days of tarring and feathering a nude Stag to a lamp post on a cold British night. Nowadays this torment is as pointless as putting ‘Racing Stripes’ on a Sloth as the Fuzz will be on to you faster than you can say “That looks like a penis, only smaller.”

What alcohol does bring to the table is a vehicle for lowering inhibitions. Old school classic drinking etiquette can be as harsh or as relaxed as the occasion requires. Winners for me have been Left Handed Drinking, a Ban on using first names; allocating a Freeze Master who randomly poses in an obscure manner and the last person to copy has to drink; a Thumb Master who stealthily places his thumb on a surface in plain sight and the last person to place their thumb down sups; naming an imaginary ‘Little man’ who is an inch tall and sits on the rim of your glass. You have to name him, lift him off the glass and place him on the table before you drink and you lift him back up onto his perch post slurp; other games include Fuzzy Duck (In a circle people repeat “Fuzzy Duck” in an allocated direction. If someone says “Does he?!” you change direction. For a more complex game please look up ‘Yeeha, ‘Pimmily’’ and ‘Spoof’ or sit in your local rugby club after a match and take notes. If you want to achieve the group decorum to pull off the drinking games successfully you need to allocate a ‘Snitch’ and a ‘Weights & Measures’ man. A Snitch has to keep an Eagle Eye out for any discrepancies to the rules and when a culprit has been spotted the Weights & Measures man allocates a fine of 1 to 4 fingers width worth of your beverage to be seen away. If you’re not feeling the love for full blown laddish Stag Do and just fancy getting steadily Ale’d up then a ’Kitty’ will suffice.

Kangaroo Court

All you will require is an appropriate, private space according on numbers. The mock court set-up requires an area for all the Stag Doers to sit/stand; ideally with a bar/access to alcohol; an area at the front where the ‘Judge’ sits with a record of Stag Do discrepancies and he keeps order. Nearby you will need a ‘Defence’ and a ‘Prosecutor’ to represent each individual who is called up to answer to the alleged offence. Examples I have witnessed include lateness, pulling an attractively challenged lady, splintering off from the group and the heinous act of disobeying the Social Media Blackout. The best punishments involve forfeits of embarrassment and ridicule.

Taking one for the team

The finest example I’ve seen of a Best man taking one for the team came on a Magaluf Stag Do in a pub where the Stag was escorted up onto the bar and posed on all fours while a sexy, yet masochistic senorita spanked his bare arse with a studded paddle. After the first strike the Stag hopped off the bar and was as useful as a ‘Chicken Dentist’. Like a drunken Knight in shining Board Shorts the Best man stepped up and the Groom ‘tagged out’. Several strikes later the Best man received a standing ovation and minced away. His arse resembled the Elephant man’s face for days. ‘Taking one for the team’ also occurs when a Best man hangs back on the drinking so that he can keep his wits about him should any mischiefs go awry. Some great pieces of advice are get ‘Beer Fit’ (think Rocky training montage), keep hydrated, book a day off following the Stag Dos return to reimburse the inevitable sleep debt, befriend all Bar Keeps and accommodation bosses and guard the ‘Kitty’ like it’s a new-born Panda.

Coming up.

An example of a ‘Numpty Proof’ Stag Do Guide Lanyard to keep the Stag Do as smooth as Arthur Fonzarello.

 

 

Preparation for the Stag Do. Part 2. ‘Fail to prepare. Prepare to fail hombre.’

Preparation for the Stag Do. Part 2. ‘Fail to prepare. Prepare to fail hombre.’

Itinerary

Sounds boring, however the itinerary is the back bone to welding the whole Stag Do together. In the early years when I was a little wet behind the ears I would tell the group to meet at a certain place and at a certain time. Throw in Mr Sauce, the excitement of temporarily lobbing the shackles of ‘normal day-to-day’ life aside, the presence of a few effervescing Loose Cannons and carnage almost always reared its unwelcome head. It was like inviting a Fox to a Chicken Shed house warming party… Four Stag Do’s later I allocated a ‘Gum Ball Rally’ pack for each car leaving from home to Snowdonia which consisted of a turn-by-turn route planner and a contact number for the Hotel. Also I composed a ’Stag Do Guide Lanyard’ for each member of the group with a Stag Programme which had a passage taking the Mickey out of the Stag; the cast of the Stag Do with celebrity look-a-like pictures; rendezvous for the activities; route planner; contact number of the Zip Line Centre and the White Water Rafting. It was as stressful a Hawaiian Yoga Retreat. As the Best man I used the back of my lanyard as the drinks order for everyone. That way everyone put money into a ‘Kitty’ which I looked after and I could literally hand my lanyard over to the Bar Keep and you could stick a metaphorical fork in me as my job was done.

Destination

As the list of destinations is so long I’ve listed the Top 10 best Stag Do destinations I’ve experienced purely based on how good the craic was, what we did there, stress levels when on the move between watering holes, how friendly the ladies were and on how expensive it was generally. I have used a scale of 0 = Danny Dyer and 10 = Awesome. I am omitting two amazing Stag Dos from the Top 10. Las Vegas and Brisbane as they are rare once in a life time experiences that are not practical for a general Stag Do due to the price tag. None the less, Vegas is a little slice of heaven where an unattractive woman was as rare as Rocking Horse dung. It’s like watching a montage of sublime. Best put, an orgasm for all five of your senses.

Brisbane is an incredible part of the world where we surfed at Surfer’s Paradise, had a pub crawl, got our thongs out and generally had a ‘Rippa’ & ‘Bonza’ time. If you’re planning a Stag Do which requires a passport I highly recommend that every member takes out insurance. (See Loose Cannon) Also carry-on luggage is best in avoiding any stress with Checked-in luggage delays.

Where?	Craic	Activities	Stress/drama	Chicas	Moneys	TOTAL
Edinburgh	8	8	8	7	5	36
Magaluf	9	6	7	7	5	34
Cardiff	8	8	6	7	5	34
Benidorm	8	6	8	2	9	33
Newcastle	8	6	8	5	5	33
Leeds	7	7	6	7	6	33
Liverpool	7	7	6	5	6	31
Snowdonia	5	9	7	1	6	28
Barcelona	5	4	7	4	4	24
Forrest of Dean	5	3	7	1	7	23

The above judgements are purely based on my experiences and personal tastes obviously play a part. Horses for courses. I’m aware there are other impressive destinations and I hope I enjoy future Stag Dos elsewhere too. Out of the above list I have visited Edinburgh 3 times (Highlights were – www.biddymulligansbar.com , http://www.scottishrugby.org  for Murrayfield 7s tournament), Benidorm twice (The only senoritas I saw there were behind bars and it was a total Shlong fest) and Newcastle twice (Big Market, big drinking)

Media blackout

There are no sinister undertones regarding this. It’s purely to prevent any partners at home getting the wrong idea if they see a picture of a Stag Do member in an uncompromising position which could be misconstrued as being naughty. It’s important that an ‘Omerta’ (honourable code of silence) is respected by every single member. The beauty of the Kangaroo Court provides a threatening stick to Kibosh anyone who fails to adhere to the media blackout. Never is the expression ‘Loose lips sink ships’ more apt in my opinion. Another reason why 15 is the magic number on a Stag Do. This way you can keep you’re core, trusted friends and family on your away trip. Phone and social media bans are a great idea. See ‘Loose Cannons’ above… If the revellers have responsibilities at home there’ no need for a total telephone ban. Designated times are a winner.

Cost

Back in my naïve days I asked for a small deposit, I covered the costs of activities, accommodation myself and everybody paid up on Day 1 of the Stag Do. Nowadays I organise a Stag Do by four main rules. 1) Ask people if they are interested when they are of sober mind and body. 2) Confirm places on the Do with a substantial deposit at least. If possible take the full amount (See above reference to Rocking Horse dung) 3) Use a reputable Stag Do company who take care of individual payments and activities (Check transport between hotel and activities are included within the price. We got stung once and missed Go-Karting as the hour long taxi ride cost more than a Kardashian wedding) or 4) Take care of the Wonga developments yourself with the use of a spreadsheet to show how much each member has paid so that all costs are covered and you don’t end up covering any costs out of your back pocket. A nice touch is if you add a small amount to each person’s cost. This way you will be able to pay for the Stag so that he goes for free.

Bride to-be’s input

A positive relationship with the Bride to-be will stand you in great stead as to having a less stressful experience on your journey of being a Best man. If the Bride is adamant that if you have a Stripper or go to a Lap Dancing establishment she will boil the nearest bunny, Bic her head and call off the wedding, it’s best to play the game and keep her sweet (See ‘Omerta’ and ‘Loose Cannon’) Trust me, you don’t want that kind of blood on your hands. A great way to involve the Bridal party and vice versa is to do a Mr & Mrs Quiz. The Best man can ask the Bride to-be in private and the Chief Bridesmaid can ask the Groom to-be. Questions can be as cheeky or as sensible as appropriate. Standard questions are Favourite positions; what possessions would you save in a fire; childhood pet’s names; favourite colour and embarrassing experiences. The best way to make this work in my experience is to gather the revellers at some point during the stag do and if the Stag answers correctly everyone drinks a few fingers of their bevy and if he Stag is wrong he drinks or has a fancy dress forfeit or physical/cringey challenge to complete.

In a nut-shell

Keep the Bride sweet, get deposits to guarantee places well in advance, tailor activities to the Stag’s tastes, random activities break up the drinking, keep tight lipped of any nonsense, gauge your Loose Cannons, 15 is the magic number of revellers to keep the group together and gain entry into pubs/bars, if you’re a majority single crew head to a University City (Edinburgh, Newcastle, Cardiff), go on a Bank Holiday (First Bank Holiday in May falls in University term time if there are singletons that want a cruise to the ‘Isle of Clitorati’ or August Bank Holiday if you’ve settled down as a group collective. You don’t have to take an extra day’s annual leave that way, it will be busier and use the impending ‘Home Stag Do’ leg’s Kangaroo Court as a tool for justice to keep any scoundrels in check.

Coming up.’ Stag Do – Journey to the centre of morality’. Away Stag Do. Home Stag Do. Etiquette. Drinking Games. Kangaroo Court. Pit falls, successes and “To Lap-dance or not to Lap-dance. That is the question” Keeping your head while everyone else around you don’t #Takeonefortheteam Hangover cures…

 

 

 

Preparation for the Stag Do tomfoolery. Part 1.

Preparation for the Stag Do. Part 1.

Preparation is Jean Claude Van Damn important. From my experience pulling off an immense Stag Do depends on several factors. Keeping the Groom happy; giving him the appropriate level of shenanigans; the number of revellers; activities; loose cannons; itinerary; destination; media blackout; Costs and last, definitely not least, allowing the Bride to have a level of input.

Keeping the Groom happy.

Out of the 20 or so Stag Dos I’ve been on I’ve experienced everything from Best men hell bent on destroying the ‘Groom to be’ with copious amounts of alcohol and nakedness; to seeing a ‘Roly Poly’ 20 stone plus exotic stripper parking her derrière on the Stag’s ‘boat race’; to camping in a Tipi by night and canoeing by day. One things for sure, a happy Stag who you are able to see for the duration of the Stag Do will make for a far better getaway for all than a Stag who’s bedbound and singing ‘Ruth’ into a porcelain microphone all weekend. An ideal example was a recent Stag Do I arranged which consisted of 3 days in Bettws y coed in North Wales. It doesn’t wail ‘rock n roll’. In fact it sounds more Male Voice Choir. (See tailor the do to the Stag) We had a party of 15 (perfect number) and drove up in convoy. The Stag is not a big drinker by nature and loves adrenaline fuelled activities and the other 14 guys enjoy the sauce. Unusually all 15 men in our crew had a missus. Therefore we drove up on a 3 ½ hour road trip and went Zip-lining to break the first day up. We then all went out on the pop up in Bettws. A village loved by ramblers and not renowned for being a haven for pulling. Day 2 we went White Water Rafting and stayed off the pop until 5pm then dressed the Stag up as Pat Sharp (business at the front, party at the back) and the rest of us dressed up as the ‘Fun House’ hot twins or as a member of the red team and yellow team from the 90s show. There were only 5 watering holes in the village which we frequented and we kept together for the entire 3 days. Everyone’s a winner, ticketyboo.

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Appropriate levels of shenanigans.

As the Best man, if anything goes wrong with the Stag (eg Shaven havens, an arrest, a strip club payment appearing on the Stag & Hen’s joint account statement or pubic lice) you and no other will be deemed responsible for the inevitable fall-out. Nobody likes that guy…. Therefore you need to ensure that you keep your wits about you and plan plenty of activities, fancy dress and drinking games to distract the loose cannons of the group from planning any outlandish, uncontrolled torture.

Therefore as you’ve been chosen as the Best man, chances are you know the Stag extremely well and have the experience to gauge appropriateness. If in doubt, break bread with the Ushers and sweeten them up over a bevy and encourage them to share the Stag Do’s responsibilities. Fancy dress is always a winner to make even the cockiest of stags look like a penis ironically. If Fancy dress is a no go then drinking games or Stag rules such as ‘Every time the Stag mentions his wife’s name or the word Wedding’ he can be punished accordingly is a winner.

Ample number of revellers.

The right numbers are key to a successful dynamic and reduces the chances of people splintering off from the group. In my humble opinion the larger the group the more it resembles Water Bison crossing the Crocodile infested Zambezi. You will inevitably leave a few fallen Water Bison behind. A solid, tight group of around 15 on an ‘Away Stag Do’ is ideal. You can always invite the work colleagues, extended family members, friend/acquaintances and inbetweeners on the ‘Home Stag Do’ (see in more depth in future blog.)

 Activities

I believe it’s the characters of the group that are more intrinsic to a memorable experience than the activities undertaken. On previous Stag Dos the classic generic activities that keep the consensus happy are Clay Pigeon Shooting; Go Karting; 5 a-side Football; Sporting Events (International Rugby matches); Quad Biking and Booze Cruises. As mentioned before, the best Stag Do’s I’ve been on is tailored to the Best Man’s taste. Examples of these have been Surfing, Paintballing, Murrayfield Rugby 7s, Canoeing, Zip-lining, Casino and White Water Rafting. The latter events have been the most fun as they are one-offs and gets people out of their comfort zone and doing something random and memorable.

Loose Cannons.

Every group has at least one numpty. If you disagree with this, then chances are it’s you mon frère.  A Loose Cannon can make or break a Stag Do. This is why I love the idea of holding ‘Home’ and ‘Away’ Stag Do legs. If the Loose Cannon is not a close friend or relative then a Home Stag Do is perfect for them. There are two types of Loose Cannons in my experience.  The ‘Enthusiastic Puppy’ who is usually a younger member of the group who is as excited as a vegetarian with a bowl of Hummus on a 5/2 diet and hell-bent on impressing the older members by being as outlandish as possible.  The other kind is an ‘Old Wiley Fox’ who has a ‘specific set of skills’ and plans a more subtle strike (see roly poly stripper surprise onslaught) when the Stag least expects it.

Another hidden gem with a Home Leg is the use of a ‘Kangaroo Court’. If you are unfamiliar with this all you require is a Judge (Best Man) a Prosecutor and a Defence (Ushers or characters ideal for these roles) The benefit of the Kangaroo Court is that if you keep note of any excessive tomfoolery or general comedy gold moments from the Away Leg and you can refer to this at the Kangaroo Court and punish or acquit the individual accordingly during the ‘Home Stag Do’ based on their defence in a closed off private area. Typical fines are fingers of drink, a fancy dress forfeit or a random light hearted punishment. In fairness a Loose Cannon’s nonsense can be an ideal pick-me-up for a broken group of Stag Doers towards the end of the trip. It’s a Best man’s balancing act. That’s why you’re not the Good Man, you’re the Best man.

Coming next. Part 2 of the ‘Preparation for the Stag Do’ including itinerary; destination; media blackout; cost and last, definitely not least, allowing the Bride to have a level of input.

All you need to know to rock at being a Best man.

The premise of my forthcoming blogs are best summed up by one of my favourite actors, the late, great Mr Chris Farley from the film ‘Tommy Boy’. “You can get a great view of a T-Bone by sticking your head up a bull’s ass but I’d rather take the Butcher’s word for it.” In other words I’ll be your Butcher. You can ask lots of people, aimlessly search the internet for jokes and toasts or hunt on YouTube for hours of Best man speeches or you can save yourself a lot of time and have a gander at my blogs. Here you can get everything you need to know about organising a Stag Do, a break down on Best man responsibilities and advice on composing a Best man speech by looking at a variety of Best man speeches that I have composed in the past.

If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve been asked to be a Best man. This is either exciting for you or filling you full of dread. The way I look at it, it’s like being asked to ride at a Rodeo. You ride her until she bucks you or you don’t ride her at all. Just remember if you feel it’s too overwhelming you’ve always got the Ushers (Rodeo Clowns) to help you out. I hope my advice will be a beacon for you to achieve some sense in the wilderness that is the chaotic pressured world of being a Best man. More so, if you learn from my successes and cock-ups you will pull off all expectations in your stride.

I have had the privilege to have been a Best man on four occasions, an Usher on six others and I have written 6 Best man speeches. I am going to share all the pearls of wisdom I have learned through trial and error over the years. It’s a total honour to be asked to be the ‘Glue’ for the biggest day of a people’s lives. A day which they and their families will remember for the rest of their lives. No worries then… I’m going to share advice to ease the pressure so that you can be confident in knowing that all bases are covered. In future blogs I will share vital tips on arranging the Stag Do, writing a fitting Wedding Speech, handling inevitable bumps in the road from accepting the honour all the way through to making that final toast with a smile and a strut.

Public speaking isn’t everybody’s cup of tea. In fact I read an article recently where a poll of 2000 people in the UK shared that public speaking was found to be more frightening than the fear of ‘death’. Only the loss of a family member was deemed to be a more terrifying thought. With this in mind I will share my personal tips of what works for me and how best to relax on the big day so that you’re as cool as the proverbial Cucumber and not shaking like a defecating pooch.

The Stag Do is always a good craic in my experience as long as you tailor it to the Groom’s tastes. Obviously you have to take the Michael out of the Groom to an appropriate degree. There are many factors in this, dependant on what the Groom’s used to. I firmly believe that if you nail the Stag Do you will set the ball rolling in a positive light and this will build your confidence and the assurance in the all-important Bride and family members from both sides in your capabilities. This will inevitably ease the tension for your wedding day responsibilities. Destination, props, fancy dress, character assignation/itinerary lanyards, drinking games and activities are important in breaking the weekend up from a total alcohol fuelled haze to an agenda that is memorable and manageable. I have been on approximately 20 Stag Dos and I will share the ‘Dos and Don’ts’, places to go, how best to keep the Bride and Groom sweet and maintain your sanity in the process.

I will share the basic format for putting a Best man speech together so that you can add your individuality to it to make it your own. I will also breakdown the structure of a Best man speech for a variety of different weddings. I have been a Best man for my brother, cousin, a life-long close pal and a best mate. Each speech is befitting to the occasion. For example at my brother’s wedding I kept it sincere, welcomed my sister-in-law into the family and shared a few shenanigans from his younger years. A few wedding guest cards were read out. One of which was planted and shared a ‘Good luck today. We’re going to miss you. Love, all the girls from the Fantasy Lounge.’ For my cousin we rocked it Las Vegas style and duties were short and sweet, for my close pal I was given ‘free reign’ by both in-laws to play it how I wanted. One example of a gag involved a wind up involving a Sea-Shell tattoo on the inside of the Bride’s upper thigh. I shared that if you place your ear against it and listen very carefully you can smell the sea. I ran any dodgy jokes of that ilk (and there were a few more of those rascals) by the Bride’s dad and even the by the Vicar which was obviously vital to not collecting a royal beating on the big day and being banished by the church elders from the shire forever. My best mate’s wedding included an elder and religious contingent which required a monumentally different approach. I ventured upon zilch ocean life tattoo witticisms on this occasion. The speech required a prop-box, Shrek mask, Ukulele, Bongo and the four Bridesmaid’s assistance. I will share a link to this speech in all its glory.

I will also share my adventures down the route of being an Usher. Arguably, bar the speech, this is a tougher job than being a Best man. As the Best man chills at the alter grinning like a Cheshire Cat with the Groom on the Wedding day, the Usher is doing anything from Car Parking duties; showing the guests to their pews; acting as the last line of defence by the church door in case a volatile ex attempts to rock up; to shepherding the guests for photos; to acting as a peacemaker should any evening guests get a little fighty; to even cleaning up the Loo should an excitable, petite guest try to chug two bottles of vino on an empty stomach in an hour and leave ‘Exorcist’ style projectile carnage in her wake. Bless her.

Coming up

‘The Stag Do’. Tailoring the ‘Do’ to the Stag. Top 10 destinations judged on Cost, activities, drinks/prices, chicas, minimal drama, ease of travels, etiquette (Fancy dress, props, lanyards) Away leg and home leg. Live the dream…